In which I yell at a cloud

Yes, I’m fine with my crummy old pay-as-you-go cell phone. To tell you the truth, I’d be fine even without that. I don’t need to text with you all day. You don’t need to reach me wherever I happen to be. Go away.

I love video games. I have played them my entire life. But video game players are the worst people in the world.

The second worst people in the world are Star Wars fans.

Also, I am a huge Star Wars fan.

Speaking of Star Wars, we went from the prequels, which would get you attacked if you dared suggest maybe they were only 99% suck instead of 100% suck, to The Force Awakens, for which you’ll get attacked if you say it’s only 99% good instead of 100% good.

In my day, we didn’t send out event invitations and Christmas greetings on Facebook, we forgot to do it by mail and we LIKED it that way.

I’m sick of newer, bigger, better TVs coming out each year. DVD, blu-ray, 4k? Go away. What we have now is fine.

Any statement that begin with “kids these days” is probably going to be stupid.

Facebook is awful.

Twitter is a lot worse. What’s the deal with Twitter, anyway? What do people see in it?

I don’t like when people park in front of my house. Go away.

In my day, we didn’t take a jillion pictures of ourselves and plaster them online and tell everyone what we were eating at any given moment and pretend like we enjoyed our vacation when really it was just as miserable as every other day of our lives, and we LIKED it that way.

We’ll always have shitty politicians, but doesn’t it seem like they’re getting shittier?

I miss the days when bigoted assholes were willing to admit what they were instead of dancing around it with coded language and not-very-plausible plausible denials. Just own up to what you are, asshole.

Also, bigots: go away.

The comments on a news story — any news story — are the worst thing ever.

The second worst thing ever is Starbucks. In my day, we had gas station coffee and we LIKED it.

Go away.