As I mentioned in another post, I’ve sometimes taken a turn away from efforts at serious film criticism and instead veered into the rambling, incoherent, and bizarre. The site for which I used to be Editor-in-chief, DVD in my Pants, or DIMP, was (and is) known for off the wall, utterly crazy and very irreverent DVD reviews.
So with that in mind, here are a few more selections from my more, errr, unprofessional reviews (adult language ahead!).
Among the most incoherent, rambling, unfocused and bizarre reviews I ever wrote is my review of Baseball’s Most Unbreakable Feats, which does not even deserve to be called a review. It is … well, read on:
“When you’re talking about unbreakable records, yeah, sure, talking about Ripken’s 37,819.34 games streak, a 43-year stretch during which Ripken appeared smug in every game he played. I admit, it’s one hell of an accomplishment. Good job, Cal! Big pat on the back. Most of us can only manage to be faux modest all-American apple pie boys seven out of ten days. You managed the trick ten out of ten.”
Want to know what that’s all about? Search me, I haven’t a clue. I just sat down at the keyboard one day and typed the first junk that entered my head, no matter how inane and pointless. The review rambles on, shouting about Rickey Henderson and Roger Clemens and Nolan Ryan and others. It’s a mess. It’s a mess on purpose, but that makes it no less a mess. A big, fun mess.
Know what else was a mess, only without the big and fun parts? The movie Sleepers, which I savaged in this review:
“Here’s Sleepers in a nutshell: Four New York City youths do something stupid, end up in a juvenile detention center, and are repeatedly raped in the ass. They grow up into adults who resent having been raped in the aforementioned orifice. A bad courtroom drama ensues. And by bad courtroom drama, we’re talking not all that much drama and only a bit of courtroom, but more bad than you can shake a security guard’s penis at. This dramatic tale of ass rape and inconceivably absurd plot twists falls as flat on its face as, well, a juvenile delinquent pushed face down for an ass raping.”
I’m not sure which is more family-unfriendly, this movie or my foul-mouthed, low class review. The movie really did suck, though. Don’t watch it.
Much more fun and much less incoherent was my totally awesome review of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. My buddy Tim called it the greatest review ever written. And let’s face it, if Tim said it you know you can trust it. Behold this majestic excerpt from that gushing review:
“Han and Leia and crew eventually made it to the coolest city ever, Bespin, and met up with Han’s white black friend, Lando. In Bespin, Darth Vader solidified his place as the baddest mother fucker in the whole goddamn galaxy by stopping blaster bolts with his hand. Did you read that? I’m seven, I’m watching this movie thinking Han Solo is the baddest, smoothest dude out there, he sees Vader and he’s like, boom, already firing … AND VADER STOPS THE BLASTER BOLTS WITH HIS HAND!! I think I may have pissed my pants.”
Yeah, that’s what passes for writing on the Internet these days. Yikes.
And that, kids, is why writing for the Internet only kinda sorta counts. Because anyone can do it. Even rambling, incoherent goofs like me.