The clock is ticking. I’m going to die. Dammit.

The clock is ticking. I’m going to die. Dammit.

Posted inRandom Musings, Rants
Not too long ago, I was hanging with a good friend a mine. It was the usual hanging out thing, which in my world means sitting on your hemorrhoids, drinking beer, and talking bad about puppies. He's 82. Christ! 82! I can't even imagine what that is like (but I'm starting to be able to). Anyway, we're having a beer and watching other friends do manual labor. As we relax, he tells me a story about a phone call his wife got. Their house got destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. It has since been rebuilt, but some dudes called or something…
5 Questions that should always be met with frothing incredulity

5 Questions that should always be met with frothing incredulity

Posted inRandom Musings, Rants
Look, if anyone asks you one of these questions, you ought to reconsider your relationship with them. Do you want butter on that corn muffin? Yes, of course I want butter on my goddamn corn muffin, do I look like a savage to you? This is so dumb I don't even know where to start. Do you want cheese on your burger? The only people who should ever ask a question as stupid as this had better be people with fatal cheese allergies who just assume everyone else will die when they eat cheese, too, because CHEESE BELONGS ON EVERYTHING. Period. End of story. Another?…
Why you should never write for the Huffington Post

Why you should never write for the Huffington Post

Posted inRants, Writing
Imagine for a moment that you want to hire chefs to prepare food at your chain of restaurants, but you don't want to pay those chefs. You want them to volunteer.  And when asked why you believe that's a valid way to do business, this is what you tell people: "If I was paying someone to cook something because I want to draw in customers, that’s not a real authentic way of cooking. When somebody cooks something for us, we know it’s real, we know they want to cook it. It’s not been forced or paid for. I think that’s…
Tech company founder’s rant on the homeless shows that he’s a giant asshole

Tech company founder’s rant on the homeless shows that he’s a giant asshole

Posted inRants, Uncategorized
Justin Keller, the founder of Commando.io, some tech company that I can't be bothered to look into because screw this guy, recently ranted about the homeless in his neighborhood. But his rant wasn't a plea to help them or a rant decrying the conditions that have made them homeless in the first place. No, it was a rant explaining why he doesn't want to see those disgusting people. A quote: "I know people are frustrated about gentrification happening in the city, but the reality is, we live in a free market society. The wealthy working people have earned their right…
In which I yell at a cloud

In which I yell at a cloud

Posted inRants, Uncategorized
Yes, I'm fine with my crummy old pay-as-you-go cell phone. To tell you the truth, I'd be fine even without that. I don't need to text with you all day. You don't need to reach me wherever I happen to be. Go away. I love video games. I have played them my entire life. But video game players are the worst people in the world. The second worst people in the world are Star Wars fans. Also, I am a huge Star Wars fan. Speaking of Star Wars, we went from the prequels, which would get you attacked if you…