Author Archive: Eric San Juan
Eric San Juan
January 12, 2016
The Powerball lottery is up to like $43.74 or something like that, a huge amount of money that is sure to ruin the life of anyone who wins it. Whoever wins is probably going to be dead within 10 years, absolutely miserable, will have their entire family ruined, and will raise another generation or two of entitled assholes. I bought five tickets. But this isn’t about me, it’s about YOU. It’s about the amazing things you can do if you win. Here are 10 great ideas: 1) You could buy every single kitten in the pet shop and give them to children in need or put them in the garbage disposal one by one. 2) You could set up a grant at your old elementary school that rewards…
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Eric San Juan
January 11, 2016
David Bowie was my first concert. I was 16 years old. My girlfriend at the time, Candice, was an angry blonde with a gigantic pear-shaped ass and a tendency to pick fights with older guys, assuming that I would then step in and defend her honor, because of course she did. My father was going to drive us to the show, but two weeks prior he took his own life, so my step-mother drove us instead. The ride to the show was awkward. Candice and my step-mother didn’t get along very well. Nobody got along with Candice, really. But those two especially didn’t get along because my step-mother was racist, and Candice was Russian. (You had to be there.) We got pretty stoned before the…
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Eric San Juan
January 8, 2016
Yes, I’m fine with my crummy old pay-as-you-go cell phone. To tell you the truth, I’d be fine even without that. I don’t need to text with you all day. You don’t need to reach me wherever I happen to be. Go away. I love video games. I have played them my entire life. But video game players are the worst people in the world. The second worst people in the world are Star Wars fans. Also, I am a huge Star Wars fan. Speaking of Star Wars, we went from the prequels, which would get you attacked if you dared suggest maybe they were only 99% suck instead of 100% suck, to The Force Awakens, for which you’ll get attacked if you say it’s…
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Eric San Juan
January 4, 2016
Writing begins with reading. There is a vague rule of thumb that good writers read. A lot. Granted, reading a lot doesn’t mean you’ll be able to write. It’s a start, though. And without question, the thirst with which I drank in books as a daydreaming kid, and later as an in-way-over-my-head young man, had a huge huge huge (three huges) impact on my later, and very ridiculous, decision to devote my life to writing. It led me to journalism and books and other stuff, and these days, it has me working as a freelance writer. Which is amazing and stupid and can barely buy me coffee in the morning, but it’s so worth it (and SHAMELESS you should totally write me at ericsanjuan@gmail.com and…
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Eric San Juan
January 1, 2016
I’m blessed that writing (sort of)(barely) pays the bills. But one result of taking something you love and turning it into work is that it becomes an obligation rather than an escape. You HAVE to do that if you want to make a living from it, of course — I would have faltered years ago if I didn’t decide that I had to prioritize writing in the same way you do any other job — but you lose a little of what drew you to it in the first place. For me, it was the joy of playing with words; of creating people and situations out of whole cloth; and of looking at a page and saying, “Holy shit, I made that!” These days, I…
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