Rants

“Fixing my toilet will be great exposure for your plumbing business” and other bullshit writers deal with

Emails like the following are not uncommon, so today I figured I’d spotlight one of them – and anyone who writes, draws, or designs for a living gets this sort of pitch all the time: Dear Eric, Hope all is well. In the coming month a new and unique website will be launching called REMOVED.  While virtually all other sites directed towards the male audience focus on sex, sports or men’s fashion, REMOVED will provide men with the resources to connect and exchange ideas on everyday issues, including relationships, life, marriage, parenting, etc. Based on your expertise and published work, we feel you have a voice that would be complimentary to the content we will be offering.  We’d love to have you contribute an entertaining and…
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The clock is ticking. I’m going to die. Dammit.

Not too long ago, I was hanging with a good friend a mine. It was the usual hanging out thing, which in my world means sitting on your hemorrhoids, drinking beer, and talking bad about puppies. He’s 82. Christ! 82! I can’t even imagine what that is like (but I’m starting to be able to). Anyway, we’re having a beer and watching other friends do manual labor. As we relax, he tells me a story about a phone call his wife got. Their house got destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. It has since been rebuilt, but some dudes called or something and tried to get her to sign up for some bullshit I only half paid attention to (because that’s what friends do). Some kind of…
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5 Questions that should always be met with frothing incredulity

Look, if anyone asks you one of these questions, you ought to reconsider your relationship with them. Do you want butter on that corn muffin? Yes, of course I want butter on my goddamn corn muffin, do I look like a savage to you? This is so dumb I don’t even know where to start. Do you want cheese on your burger? The only people who should ever ask a question as stupid as this had better be people with fatal cheese allergies who just assume everyone else will die when they eat cheese, too, because CHEESE BELONGS ON EVERYTHING. Period. End of story. Another? Is that even a question? Of COURSE I want another! I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want another! Life is miserable! The future is…
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Why you should never write for the Huffington Post

Imagine for a moment that you want to hire chefs to prepare food at your chain of restaurants, but you don’t want to pay those chefs. You want them to volunteer.  And when asked why you believe that’s a valid way to do business, this is what you tell people: “If I was paying someone to cook something because I want to draw in customers, that’s not a real authentic way of cooking. When somebody cooks something for us, we know it’s real, we know they want to cook it. It’s not been forced or paid for. I think that’s something to be proud of.” You’d be laughed out of the room, and rightfully so. A few chefs might even be inclined to throat-punch you…
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Tech company founder’s rant on the homeless shows that he’s a giant asshole

Justin Keller, the founder of Commando.io, some tech company that I can’t be bothered to look into because screw this guy, recently ranted about the homeless in his neighborhood. But his rant wasn’t a plea to help them or a rant decrying the conditions that have made them homeless in the first place. No, it was a rant explaining why he doesn’t want to see those disgusting people. A quote: “I know people are frustrated about gentrification happening in the city, but the reality is, we live in a free market society. The wealthy working people have earned their right to live in the city. They went out, got an education, work hard, and earned it. I shouldn’t have to worry about being accosted. I…
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