As everyone knows, President-elect Donald Trump met with President Obama today to discuss the transition and get that complicated ball rolling. The meeting happened behind closed doors, but thanks to some inside connections with a few journalist friends inside the Beltway, I was able to procure a transcript. Enjoy:
OBAMA: Mr. President-elect, welcome to the White House. I’m glad you could join us today and hope we can make this transition of power be as smooth as possible.
TRUMP: It’s good to be here. So good. Good like you wouldn’t believe. I just know that I am going to be sick of how good it is, that’s how good it’s going to be.
OBAMA: The transition can be difficult. There is a lot of work to be done in a short amount of time, but this is a time to set aside the past and move forward for the good of the country. President Bush was a great help to me when I was elected. I hope to do the same for you.
TRUMP: Oh, I am going to transition like you wouldn’t believe. Not like that Bruce Jenner. So ugly. He looks like a real pig now. Sad. He used to be on the best cereal boxes. But my people, they are the best people, they are going to transition me right into your house. Now it’s my house. You know I have houses, so many houses, and people say – a lot of people say this, they tell me this all the time – people say they are the best houses. Great houses. I’ve even rented houses to some of you people.
OBAMA: I … you people?
TRUMP: The blacks.
OBAMA: Mr. Trump, I think–
TRUMP: You’re a credit to your race. Very well spoken. You say great words. All these African Americans out there, they are not always putting their best out there, not always saying great words. They celebrate the murderers, they celebrate the rapists, and I’ve got to tell you, the example you set, such a good example. There are a lot of examples – believe me, I know examples better than anyone, I’ve seen all the examples and you are some great ones. I always thought you and Michonne–
TRUMP: Right. I always thought you were very good blacks.
TRUMP: Almost like this is the Black House, am I right? You must have felt like, I don’t know, like you were on Good Times. You remember that show, Good Times? Such a show. You want to see some great African Americans, take a look at that George Jefferson, now that is one successful African American. I would rent an apartment to him, and let me tell you, my apartments are the best apartments, they are made by the very best people – you know me, I only do the best – and so many people want to live in them. They tell me, Donald, I want to live in your apartments, but you can’t rent to just anyone – who rents to just anyone? – so this George Jefferson, he is welcome in my apartments any time he wants. So many great memories. That is why they called it Good Times.
OBAMA: George Jefferson was not on Good Times. Also, I’m not really sure where you’re going with this. Perhaps we can get on with doing the business of the nation? There is a lot of work to be done.
TRUMP: Yes, let’s get some business done. I know business, people have said it for many years. You know how many magazine covers I was on? I think I was on more magazine covers than the super models. People see me and it’s like a magnet, they just want to take my picture. Don’t wait, just pictures. It’s been said – I’m not saying it, I’m just telling you what other people say – but it’s been said that I have a very handsome face. So handsome. And my wife, Metriana–
TRUMP: –she is just, have you see her? Look at her. So beautiful, now that is a first lady. That is what a first lady should look like. Not like the one we have now, let me tell you. Those shoulders? Sad. How can OBAma stand that? How can a man stand shoulders like that? It’s why he’s so low energy. To see that pig every day, and that face, and those shoulders all the time?
OBAMA: Mr. Trump, I’m standing right here.
TRUMP: Not a great face, let me tell you, not a great face at all. Such an awful face. Now my daughter, Ivanka, now that is a face you like to see. If Ivanka wasn’t my daughter perhaps I’d be dating her. She’s really something, she has a figure that – have you seen her figure? – she has a figure that, it’s like one of my buildings, but her chest is better. I love buildings, to put them together, to build them so tall, very tall. I build the tallest buildings, people have always said that about me. Trump Hotel, right here in Washington D.C., under budget and ahead of schedule! That’s how I’ll run America. Like a hotel, ahead of schedule. It has so many rooms, rooms on top of rooms, and let me tell you, so many people say they like my rooms better than any other rooms they have been in, and I have been in many rooms in my time. Nobody knows rooms like I know rooms.
OBAMA: If we could, we’re running low on time and I haven’t even shown you the Oval Office.
TRUMP: Who makes an office oval? Such a bad shape for an office. You know what it reminds me of? Chinese eyes. In CHIna – those people invented global warming to make American manufacturing non-competitive, you know? – they have so many of those Oval Office eyes, not like the eyes I have, look at them. Great eyes. Everyone says that about me. Eyes that are like, well, look at the eyes. No blood coming out of MY eyes, no blood from my wherever, no blood at all. They said – well, who said that? Marlene Kelly, she had blood coming out of–
OBAMA: Megyn Kelly.
TRUMP: Megyn Kelly, such a nasty woman. I could have had her, you know. Too fat for me. She’s like an eating machine. That one, she really likes her food. Really likes that food. Check out her sex tape. So much food, soon she’ll have shoulders like that Rosanne O’Donnell–
OBAMA: Rosie O’Donnell
TRUMP: –and to have shoulders like that? Sad. They remind me, you know who they remind me of? No, they really do, I thought of this — I think a lot you know. I’m a great thinker, I think the best thoughts — they remind me of that first lady we had, the black one, the Megyn Obama.
OBAMA: Michelle. Her name is Michelle.
TRUMP: That’s just great. Nice name. Very respectable. She’s a good black, let me tell you. A great example for the blacks. So when are you moving out?