5 Questions that should always be met with frothing incredulity

Look, if anyone asks you one of these questions, you ought to reconsider your relationship with them.

Do you want butter on that corn muffin?

Yes, of course I want butter on my goddamn corn muffin, do I look like a savage to you? This is so dumb I don’t even know where to start.

Do you want cheese on your burger?

The only people who should ever ask a question as stupid as this had better be people with fatal cheese allergies who just assume everyone else will die when they eat cheese, too, because CHEESE BELONGS ON EVERYTHING.

Period.

End of story.

Another?

Is that even a question? Of COURSE I want another! I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want another! Life is miserable! The future is an uncertain ball of terrible possibilities! POUR ME ANOTHER!

How about them blacks/gays/Muslims/Christians/immigrants/whoever?

Oh, so you’re feeling me out to see if I’m a bigot, just like you? Cool. Here’s a suggestion: go fist yourself. Whole fist. And not gently.

Why did you think I’d be receptive to this shit, anyway? Did I have “Potential Bigot” written on my face, and if so, what gave you that idea so I can razor it the hell off?

‘Cause I don’t have time for bullshit from people like you. Get extinct, please.

And yeah, no, being an atheist who is bigoted against Christians doesn’t give you a pass. You’re still an asshole. Judge individuals, not groups, capiche?

Can you slow down, please?

Not as long as there are people in front of me going slower than me, no. No, I can’t.

So strap in. We have a ride ahead of us.

4 Comments

  1. Dr. Dan ChallisDr. Dan Challis

    Cheese is death.

    1. Eric San Juan

      Madness. Pure madness!

  2. Jeff Combs

    I’ve been trying for 3 days to come up with something to ad to this. Can’t. It’s perfect

  3. Jeff Combs

    I’ve been trying for 3 days to come up with something to ad to this. Can’t. It’s perfect

Comments are closed.