The Powerball lottery is up to like $43.74 or something like that, a huge amount of money that is sure to ruin the life of anyone who wins it. Whoever wins is probably going to be dead within 10 years, absolutely miserable, will have their entire family ruined, and will raise another generation or two of entitled assholes.
I bought five tickets.
But this isn’t about me, it’s about YOU. It’s about the amazing things you can do if you win. Here are 10 great ideas:
1) You could buy every single kitten in the pet shop and give them to children in need or put them in the garbage disposal one by one.
2) You could set up a grant at your old elementary school that rewards children for writing fiction — writers should always encourage the next generation of writers, after all — perhaps giving a $20,000 scholarship to the best short story written each year, and $5,000 each to four runners up. Each year, you could publish the entries in a collection called “Images of Creativity: 27 Stories About the How Obama Did 9/11,” and put their stories next to pornographic images of hobbits.
3) You could pay Kate Beckinsale to serve you stout beer while wearing a short skirt and stockings.
4) You could run someone over and get away with it, then write mean letters to the family.
5) You could get an Egg McMuffin, then tip the girl at the drive-thru $1,000. Later, after hearing about her struggles to raise two children on her own, you could buy a car for her and purchase her home so she no longer has a mortgage. That would lift a HUGE burden from this young mother’s shoulders. Then you could evict her and pour sugar in her gas tank.
6) You could hire One Direction to record a David Bowie tribute album for you. The album cover would be wrapped in tinfoil so the government mind beams couldn’t get you and you could release it on purple candyswirl vinyl, and then spray vinegar at the sky to stop the chemtrails because that’s what seems to work best.
7) You could pay Hostess or whoever the hell it is that makes Twinkies to fly over those knuckleheads camped out in Oregon and drop thousands of pounds of loose Twinkies on them so they could continue their brave stance against whatever they are bravely standing against without starving to death, except the Twinkies would all be expired because screw those dopes, and they would be all upset because their Twinkies were stale and they would seek comfort in one anothers arms and soon it would be a giant, sweaty mess of Brokeback Patriots or something, except for that one guy with the crooked face. No one wants him. Not even his rebel friends.
8) You could donate the money to charity.
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9) You could buy those shoes you’ve been thinking about. They were very nice!
10) You could pay Eliza Dushku to make you a western-style omelet while wearing a plaid skirt, because western style omelets are delicious.
When she’s done, you can criticize her for not being Kate Beckinsale.
What is wrong with you, Eliza Dushku? Go make me some eggs.